Acclimation and Adapting

Earlier this month I realized that I had not really had much improvement in my symptoms after months of antibiotics, I had simply just acclimated to them. I think my fatigue has improved some, though when I looked at the full picture my condition had actually worsened. I had simply gotten used to running fevers everyday, the muscle spasms, joint stiffness, blah, blah, blah. I’d sunk into my own placebo effect of perceived improvement and was no longer seeing how bad things had gotten.

Just as I got used to having these symptoms I have slowly been adapting to how to manage with them. That has been a much slower and glitchier process.

I’ve been behind at work which means needing to get work done at home. Which is near impossible. My body crashes on the weekends, and by the end of a normal work day I am a dithering idiot. I carry around a lot of shame regarding this, and honestly don’t handle it as well as I should. I try to experiment, set small goals, and all the other things I should do. However, nothing ever goes according to plan.

The shame I gift to myself via failure is a lot of the reason why I haven’t been posting. The rest has been not yet finding a way to adapt to where I am now. I expect to be able to do the same things I did before, and settle for nothing less. I am trying to stop doing that. It’s better to express myself and share what I can, not push to the ridiculous expectation of having a fully annotated research paper every time I post.

I’m recognizing that I have to do things the way I need to, and have to accept that I cannot do them the way I want to at this time.

It’s not an easy lesson for me to learn.

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