Ready Set Go
I have felt more alive these past few weeks than I have in a long time. There has been a day or two here and there for the past 6 months, but this is the first time where I’ve felt consistently like I have energy, not like I used to, but way better than it was.
My migraines are still a constant part of my existence. I either have a mild one, am just getting over one, trying to avoid one, and occasionally have a bad one. Right now I’m in the middle of just getting over one, and avoiding one. However, the complex dance of living with this is becoming automatic. I without prompting go for my pillbox usually towards the end of the daily meeting at work. Throughout my day I’m constantly adjusting to deal with my faulty brain.
Though for the past month (maybe longer?) it’s been at a point where the house is always clean. I’m always tweaking one website or another. I’m usually in a good mood. Things are almost normal, and I am still hopeful enough that I’m not willing to call this the new normal yet.
I’ve also through all of this have become a better, nicer person. I’m thankful for every good day I have, and I’m no longer bitter about the bad ones. I am somehow just about always in a friendlier and more optimistic mood. I guess it came out of the necessity of survival.
Overall I feel like this migraine crisis of the past thirteen months has been the wake up call, and life reset I direly needed. I’m out of a very toxic work environment and now am working for a literal dream team with the same agency doing virtually the same exact thing. My new territory is actually the birth place of all my childhood nightmares and my PTSD. However, now over two decades later I’ve healed to the point where working there is cathartic. I’m also finally reconnecting with my happy childhood memories, many of which were lost to me before now.
I feel grounded in who I am, despite the parts of me that are missing and perhaps lost for good. I’m learning to cope with the weight gain. I’m finally in the process of letting go of things dear to me, like 4in heels. I’m hoping in the next few months to figure out what of my fire performance work can be salvaged.
I feel I am what I always tell my clients can be the end result for them: stronger for the adversity I’ve overcome.
I’m not healed, but I am healing. I have not recovered, but I am recovering. I hope that in the future I will never take these things I’ve learned for granted.