Ready Set Go

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working in my studio like an adult

I have felt more alive these past few weeks than I have in a long time. There has been a day or two here and there for the past 6 months, but this is the first time where I’ve felt consistently like I have energy, not like I used to, but way better than it was.

My migraines are still a constant part of my existence. I either have a mild one, am just getting over one, trying to avoid one, and occasionally have a bad one. Right now I’m in the middle of just getting over one, and avoiding one. However, the complex dance of living with this is becoming automatic. I without prompting go for my pillbox usually towards the end of the daily meeting at work. Throughout my day I’m constantly adjusting to deal with my faulty brain.

Though for the past month (maybe longer?) it’s been at a point where the house is always clean. I’m always tweaking one website or another. I’m usually in a good mood. Things are almost normal, and I am still hopeful enough that I’m not willing to call this the new normal yet.

I’ve also through all of this have become a better, nicer person. I’m thankful for every good day I have, and I’m no longer bitter about the bad ones. I am somehow just about always in a friendlier and more optimistic mood. I guess it came out of the necessity of survival.

Overall I feel like this migraine crisis of the past thirteen months has been the wake up call, and life reset I direly needed. I’m out of a very toxic work environment and now am working for a literal dream team with the same agency doing virtually the same exact thing. My new territory is actually the birth place of all my childhood nightmares and my PTSD. However, now over two decades later I’ve healed to the point where working there is cathartic. I’m also finally reconnecting with my happy childhood memories, many of which were lost to me before now.

I feel grounded in who I am, despite the parts of me that are missing and perhaps lost for good. I’m learning to cope with the weight gain. I’m finally in the process of letting go of things dear to me, like 4in heels.  I’m hoping in the next few months to figure out what of my fire performance work can be salvaged.

I feel I am what I always tell my clients can be the end result for them: stronger for the adversity I’ve overcome.

I’m not healed, but I am healing. I have not recovered, but I am recovering. I hope that in the future I will never take these things I’ve learned for granted.

2 Comments

  1. Wendy

    July 5, 2015

    first thank you for coming by my blog and the generous comment you made. I needed to hear it.
    and I needed to hear the post you just wrote.

    not in the best place right now. My migraines and vertigo have had a tight grip on me the past month….more.

    I’ll pull myself out of it. I always do. I’m sure my positive self is right around the corner. I just have to go around the right corner.

    Thanks again.
    Wendy recently posted…Don’t Let My Situation with Meniere’s Disease Depress You!!My Profile

    • Syn

      July 5, 2015

      I am so sorry to hear that, migraines plus migraine associated vertigo is not a fun combination. I am still getting out of that pit. I hope you have a good neuro who actually gets migraine. Also, we take the same abortive, Maxalt 😉

      While it’s not for everyone I’ve found that Botox has lowered the intensity of my MAV, migraines and auras. I still need to take steroids to break up status migraines every 4-6 weeks, but still a huge improvement. I can drive almost all of the time, and walk almost all of the time which is awesome. When I get bad spells I still need Valium though.

      There is a pretty good vestibular migraine group on facebook. Though I’m guessing you have the same issue as me (probably more so) the damaged balance center from the Meniere’s disease only allows for so much improvement. So I find sometimes the tips, and comments there a bit depressing at times since I have the full rotary MAV, and a damaged vestibular system that just makes things lovely.

      And yes, you will get out of this. I have no doubt.
      Syn recently posted…f.lux Makes it Easy on These Migraine EyesMy Profile

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